My Own Month of Decision. Self control and patience.

I can not call out other people’s sins without having a deep look at my own. When I judge, I try to judge Biblically. That means that I don’t judge people for doing the same things that I do, I don’t judge to make myself feel better, and I don’t judge unbelievers.

When I do judge, I judge if the person is hurting other people or hurting the faith. That is why I do what I do. That is why I speak up against the Religious Right. That is why I started this crusade to win Franklin Graham’s soul back.

I know how the hypocrisy if the religious right hurts the faith. I am no better than anyone. I am a sinner saved by Grace just like any Christian. I sin. But when I sin, I sin against God and myself. I try very hard not to sin against anyone else. That is what makes the religious rights’ sins most grievous is because they sin against hundreds if not thousands or in the millions.

But I have to acknowledge my sins. I am lustful and I am lazy, these two are at the core of my sinning. Our sins put blocks between us and God, it is not just our sin but the guilt that comes from our sin that separates us from God.

I like many Christian men have struggled with pornography. It is like a drug. I don’t really enjoy it. It appeals to the basest of my physical and mental sinful desires. And like any drug you need harder and harder stuff to get the same kick. There is the old maxim if it exists there is a porn  version of it.

There are channels on pornhub where you have a stepmother teaching their stepdaughter how to have sex with their boyfriends. According to a study done on pornhub, searches for stepmom and son grew 262%. I have to confess is sometimes go to these pages. You go to these pages, you get off, you feel guilty, you swear that you won’t go back. You try and for a while you are successful and then like a dog you go to your own vomit.

Leviticus 18 is used  to condemn homosexuality but it really condemns incest.

8 “‘Do not have sexual relations with your father’s wife; that would dishonor your father.

9 “‘Do not have sexual relations with your sister, either your father’s daughter or your mother’s daughter, whether she was born in the same home or elsewhere.

10 “‘Do not have sexual relations with your son’s daughter or your daughter’s daughter; that would dishonor you.

By going to these sites, I am violating these verses. I may not be participating but in watching the videos, I am fantasizing and Jesus said ” if you lust in your heart you have already committed adultery.” Watching these videos, I have committed incest. Thousands of people have. These are not the only videos I have watched. There are tags for blackmail, parents seducing babysitters, teachers seducing students et. All.

The storylines if you can call them that are all about power differential and the woman is usually used roughly. I was able to go about a year without looking at visual porn because I thought about sinning against the women in the videos and their fathers, their boyfriends, their husbands, their mothers, etc. I read stories instead.

I know what I do is wrong. But I feel trapped. I feel lazy. Fighting an addiction is hard work. And I usually succumb out of anxiety and depression and loneliness. The guilt of the sin makes me feel like I haven’t been saved. That God has forsaken me because I have forsaken God. I know that He won’t forsake me. But how can I speak out against wickedness when I am stuck in my own wickedness.

But I know my sin is sin and I am continuing to fight it. I know what I need to do. I need to go to a support group, I need to get software that will block porn. Maybe even the one that will send a record of all the pages I go to. But I don’t. I don’t because I am ashamed. I don’t because damn me part of me enjoys it.

How can I lead a crusade like the one that I am doing when I am trapped in this? That is the question that is keeping me up at nights.


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