Two years later: a story of Advent and anxiety

This has been a tough year for me. It’s been a tough two years for me, a tough two years for our nation, a tough two years for my faith.

Two years ago, I was the drama coach for my church’s children’s Christmas pageant. I started having panic attacks and one Sunday, I actually fled the rehearsal and ran up in a corner and crawled in the fetal position. I have suffered anxiety before, I have struggled with it since I was a boy. But this was different. This was a complete feeling of helplessness.

While getting the kids ready Christmas Eve 2015, I realized what it was. The election was beginning to take off. The rise of Donald Trump was just beginning. The hate and fear I felt in the air started to overwhelm me. I also started to get physically sick. I realized that I was dreading the type of world these children were going to be soon thrusted into.

That night I made my first activist plea, I wrote churches and politicians in Iowa begging them not to vote for Cruz or Trump. Cruz was my biggest fear back then, even I didn’t think at that time that Trump would win the nomination and then the presidency.

I then proceeded to write churches and newspapers in New Hampshire, South Carolina, all the way to Wisconsin’s own primary. I had a near nervous breakdown in April after the primary. I made the mistake of going to see Ted Cruz be interviewed by Meghan Kelly. I had to leave lest I do or say something that would embarrass my father. I did however have my Bible and I read scripture outside of the Masonic Hall in Madison WI. That was one of the first times I read scripture out loud in public.

That Spring I started making videos about Franklin Graham. I called his association. I wanted to appeal to his Christianity and his humanity to speak out against Trump. A man who represented everything that is anti Christ. Greed, lust, power, pride.

I almost got up and spoke while he was speaking but one of his people got to me and said that my concerns were valid but that wasn’t the place. I wish I did speak up that summer day.

I started this blog. All summer I wrote letters to newspapers trying to get someone to see the danger that Trump posed. I spoke at the Capital. I felt like a voice in a vast wilderness. I only got one letter in the local newspaper before the election. I prayed for Kasich to run as an independent.

All the while my anxiety grew. A feeling of learned helplessness grew inside me. I went from thinking I had the gift of prophecy one minute and feeling like God was stringing me along the next.

The Access Hollywood tape came out and I like others were sure would smack some sense into the “evangelicals” but no their hatred and fear of Hillary made them pick a Manasseh over a Jezebel.

Trump won, he was inaugurated. He lied a boastful lie about the attendance at his inauguration. And that was just the first in one of many lies. I spoke at the Capital that week as I have other times since. I still was trying to reach Franklin Graham. I tried to put together rallies that were flops. I donated some money to Franklin Graham with Galatians 5 attached. You can read about that in an earlier blog.

The fundamentalist Christians have just doubled down on their support of Trump. Knowing that if Hillary was elected and half of the stuff about Russia that came out happened with a president Clinton, they would be calling for impeachment.

He praised the Klan after a protest that lead to a young woman’s death. No there are no good people who stand with people who yell out “Jews will not replace us.”

It just gets worse and worse and I get overwhelmed. Two years later and I feel the exact same way. Sometimes I feel like I have a calling to be a new Martin Luther or Dietrich Bonhoeffer and other times I think the only thing I have in common with Martin Luther is digestive issues.

So I got an e-mail from WordPress saying that my plan is almost up and wondering should I continue? I think what’s the point. Nobody reads reads this or watched my videos.and I get into self pity that becomes laziness and depression.

But I still believe in God. I still believe in Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit. I still believe that I have a calling and I am 85% convinced that Trump is the anti-Christ. But what should I do, more of the same?

Maybe just write. They say to be a successful blogger you should write two or three times a week. I have a lot to say. And even if no one is reading, it gets this spiritual anxiety out of my head. I know it’s not about me. It’s about God. His will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.

I just need the discipline and the discernment and the patience to do His work.

I do feel better. God Bless you all.

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